Well, my labor day weekend was interesting, to say the least. My Firday started out okay, for the most part. I called up my Aunt that doesn't know I am gay, and asked to stay yhe weekend with her. Yeah, being around her maked me uncomfortable sometimes, but I love being around her toherwise. It is alwasy fun over there. So, there I was at one of her firend's houses with her. I wanted to party. I have not been to a fun part in a long time. My Aunt buys me a bottle and I start matching people shot for shot. GASP! Yep, I know, I know, underage drinking is very wrong. Oh, well. I guess my mistakes are my mistakes. Talk about drunk. I had like 8 or 9 shots before I called it quits. I was so drunk I could barely walk. But I remember my Aunt asking me if I was gay and saying that the family rumor about a year ago was that I thought I was gay. Looking back I am so PISSED that she waited until I was drunk to ask me that. That is NOT a conversation I wanted to have with her when I was drunk. I told her the truth. I mean, I couldn't lie right now and turn around to take it back later. One thing I am not is a liar.
Other than that nothing happened but the weekend was fun. My Aunt just pretended that I never said anything, so whatever. If that is how she wants to deal then let her, its not my problem. On top of a cruddy coming out with my Aunt, I found out some really bad news on Monday. My oldest sister is now pregnant. Her and I are the oldest of all the grandkids. She is only SEVENTEEN!!! I am so pissed. I want to cry and I want to find the guy that I know is the father and just beat on him until I feel better. That is MY sister, I loved her before he ever did. What right did he have to even be having sex with her? Plus, he is younger than I am. I am so disappointed in my sister. Of all the bad things people used to predict about her, being pregnant before she was eighteen was one of the things I prayed most would not happen. Do I think she fucked her life all to hell? Kinda. Will I be here for her through it all? Sure will. I can't belive than in less than a year I could be an Uncle! Its crazy. I keep thinking about her, though... Her life is going to be so hard bringing a kid into it. Plus, my mother kicked her out of the house. That stupid bitch is so FUCKING psychotic that she thinks my sister did this just to spite her. And she had the gal to call ME a backstabber? Look at who is here for my sister when things are thick. Thankfully my Aunt said she can move in with her and she will help her through all of this..... So much stuff is crazy right now. My head is spinning.
- (no subject)
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d_rec_ks- September 8th, 21:43
frustrated
- Clayton
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- d_rec_ks
- September 4th, 4:28
confused
Im so confused right now. Why is it that seems to be the quote of my life? And why have I jumped from one guy to another. Yes, I still like Dalton. A lot. But I know that he is either not gay, or he has not come out of the closet yet. Either way I can't control either situation. So, I started talking to Clayton. He is the epitome of what I like in a guy. Build wise, at least, he has my libido. Everytime he texts me my stomach flip-flops with happiness. I like this boy. Well, he texted me at like 3 this morning asking me if I was still awake. I said yeah, and long stroy short he convinced me to sneak out! I have NEVER snuck out of my house before. I have watched my older sister do it multiple time, but have never chosen to partake in the activity. Talk about a scary experience.
There I am, standing in the middle of the street waiting for him. Over text he asks me if I want "To do anything". My stomach dropped. I still havent resolved the issue. I told him that I was a virgin and so the most we would probably do was make-out. All we ended up doing was talking and then I came home, which I am glad of. It is really gonna break that last bit of me that is innocent if it turns out all he wants from me is sex. Not that I am in love or have a crush on him, its just that I think in my mind it will prove that everybody has an M.O. I don't want that. He still kept trying to let him give me head, though. I am staying strong, though, and telling him no. Is wanting him like I do right? So bad I want to give in, but I want my first time to mean something, and at sixteen I am not sure if I can be an appropriate judge on that kind of thing. Plus, Clayton is a good guy and if this IS just a sex thing with him I am so not going to set myself up to be hurt like that. I am not really sure what to do, I guess. Obviously I snuck back in without being in trouble. Clayton is still texting me. For some reason he makes me want to like have a long makeout session. No sex or anything, just kissing. Ever had one of those unexplained urges? I just hope that I can be smart about this whole thing. I want this to go somewhere other than sex, cause if so I don't care how much I like him. I won't just HAVE sex. I don't do casual sex.
- (no subject)
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- d_rec_ks
- August 30th, 22:20
I havent posted in awhile. I am not sure why, but it seems like I am empty of inspiration. So, just a quick post to say I am alive.
- Knife in My Side
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- d_rec_ks
- August 22nd, 0:11
Wow, talk about being really depressed.... Well I feel more like the word "hurt" would be better. I feel so stupid for letting a boy get to me like this. Dalton told me today that he was into Dallas, my best friend. He asked me to talk to her for him. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I did not think I could like someone as much as I do Dalton. I used to not have to worry about crushes my age because I liked guys that have a more mature mind set because that is how I am. What I mean when I say that is I don't have the mind of a sixteen year old. In ways I still do, but thanks to all of the things that have happened in my life I look at things and think about them on a deeper level. That sounds like I am bragging, but I am not. When I do things, or say things, I put more thought and caution into what I say. It is the same reason I am not good at getting close and opening up to people. Anyway, I never thought I would have a crush like this on someone soe young, but there is just something about Dalton. Just being around him. What should I have said when he asked for me to talk to her? I TOLD him I would, and I honestly probably will. Why? I don't know. Because I want him to be happy, and I guess he wants Dallas. I don't think SHE will want to go out with him, though, because she knows I like him. Still, I keep my word.
I just feel bad. I can't figure it out. Dalton got to me. I guess I was telling myself I saw something, but it wasn't there. This. Just. Bites.
- Hi- Hoh, Hi- Hoh Utter Criminality
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- d_rec_ks
- August 16th, 0:11
flirty
Work today was SOOOO exhausting. In the middle of the day work calls and asks me to come in early and work until 8:30. Well, I was kind of mad but said I woud be in after lunch. So I come home, change, and am about to walk out the door when Dalton calls. I would have ignored the call, but I saw it was him. Dalton is, well, one of the cutest guys on the planet. At least I think so. I feel like an idiot, but I have the biggest cruch on him. When we are in a car together I always end up seeting right next to him and talking all of the time, or I will catch myself looking at him just to look. I don't know what it is about him. Every time I am around him all I want to do is pay attention to HIM. He has the most gorgeous green eyes on the planet. AHHHHH!!! He is cute.
Anyway, he calls and says he wants to hang out for a little bit, so I say I will before I go to work. We ended up sitting at that park for like two hours doing nothing but smoking a cigarette and talking. 1:30ish is when I got to work. Thankfully Dallas and I worked the same hours today. Work is so exhausting, and its not even very tough work. Its the fact that I was up and moving around carting ice, taking orders, and putting them together. Plus I was there for lunch AND supper rush. On the bright side, I am one of the only employees they have ever started on the front window or cash register. Its because it took me only two days to figure out how to work the menu. Today gave me eight more hours and I have a total of like 16 after three days of work,
That was work, Boring. After work was really fun, though, and could really get me into a shit worth of trouble. Like RIGHT after work I went over to Dillons house. He was in the back smoking a bowl. GASP!!! Marijuana! How bad. Oh, well. I am not a pothead but I DO smoke it occasionally if I have had a bad day. I was so exhausted that I went in the back room and hit a pipe a few times. Then, DALTON CAME OVER!!!! Actually, I made him get out to come hang with me. Dillon and his Dad had thought that they needed me, but they didn't. So Dalton and I went to his house. James was there and asked if I could give him a ride to pick up a stuck car. He failed to tell me it was only like 10 miles north of Hutch. Which is like 30-45 minutes from here. The only reason I took him was because he said he would give me gas. While we were at his car they lit up two more bowls and i smoked again because I was tripping. See, my Grandma told me that under NO circumstances was I to leave for Hutch. I can take my car between Lyons and Sterling, Lyons is where I live and Sterling is where I go to school. Its only eight miles away but I have to tell her if I am leaving town. Not only that, I was with people she SPECIFICALLY told me not to be with. BUT! I made it back fine. So did Dalton. I have done my evil deed for the month. I am a believer in Karma and I have a feeling this one is going to bite me. Sometimes I feel like the worst kid on the planet. But I need to get some sleep. So I am going to sign off.
- Just When I thought we were done.... We go Deeper.
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- d_rec_ks
- August 12th, 23:49
calm
So, I spent the day with Dallas. AGAIN! hahaha. I love her so much. She is my absolute best friend. Well, her and my step sister. They are the only two people in the world I would give my life for, and the only two that I have discussed being gay in depth with. Actually, Jessica knows more about my tastes and preferences when it comes to guys that anyone else I know. Dallas doesn't know all that yet, but if we have another heart to heart like we did tonight she will. Everything was so great. We talked about life, school, where and why we are mssing up, and then guys. She keeps asking me all of this stuff like what kind of guy Ii liike and if so-and-so is cute. I wish it didn't feel so awkward(SP?) talking about being gay. Its not shame so much as I am not used to being like "Im gay" so openly in a sentence. It feels really good to say it, but strange at the same time. Plus, neither Dallas nor Jessica know that I am not into the same guys as them. Im sure it doesn't matter, but for me for a guy to be "hott" they have to be taller than I am, for one. And I am like 5'9"-5'10". Not tall, but not too short. And, this really is going to sound strange, but to me if a guy is chunky I find that so, so cute. Yeah, I keep telling myself I am crazy but its what I like.
OMG!!!! I started my first day of work today and it was awesome. Well, it was boring, but I LIKE the fact that I have a job. This is going to be my money going into MY car. My first paycheck is going to be nearly three hundred. =) Oh, and I am going to the doctor tomorrow to have them look at my shoulder. If I thought I still knew how to pray or I wasn't questioning God right now, I would probably say I am going to pray about it. But I forgot how to talk to God a long time ago. Sometimes I think about how I managed to seperate myself from God without even realizing it, and now I don't know HOW to worship him again... And I knid of don't want to because part of me still thinks that because I am gay I am going to hell. Ah, well. Shit happens I guess and religion is always going to be a struggle for me. Its late, now, and I should probably get to bed. Night, everyone.
- Fading Away
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- d_rec_ks
- August 11th, 15:48
- high
I am SO tired of feeling ninspired. All I used to want to do was create. Bake, cook, stir-fry, anything you wanted or I felt inspired to make, I would make. But now I don't even care. Things that used to hold my interest are boring. This sounds twisted, but I keep hanging ot with people so that I don't have to be by myself because I am tired of being depressed and being with people masks it. At the same time I DON'T want to hang out with people because this wall goes up in my mind, and I suddenly just want to be by myself.
Sometimes I just sound bitchy. Why do I feel like crap right now when everything is going great. I mean, I got my laptop back, I got my car paid off and fixed, my license, AND I start my job wednesday. Things are awesome right now but I feel like I am shutting down emotionally or something. I just don't know wtf my problem is. My aunt says its depression, and I thought for awhile that it was. Now I am not so sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah, having bouts of depression or something like that happens. It "part of being a teenager". I am sick of hearing that. Yes, in teens it tends to be normal, and the fact that I have struggled with being gay doesn't help. But whatever is wrong with my isnt depression. I think it is jst.... Me. Maybe I am just a dependent person, physically, emotionally, financially, etc. It would make sense. I have always had troble expressing emotions and opening up to people and I think its becoming more evident the older I get. I am just not one to get close with a lot of people. Cautious I would say.Other than this bout on my emotional state, nothing is going on. I got a new job so I can pay for the gas in my car. Two reasons. One: I wanted to be able to pay for my own gas. I hate having to ask my grandparents for anything and I want to be able to take of myself and my stuff. Two: If I pay for the gas I can be out of the house more often and can have my own life. School starts. Blech. Not a single cooking class this year. Oh, well. I DID get into psychology/sociology, though, and I am glad. People have always fascinated me, so the course should be fun. I will hopefully get back on in a few days. I feel so uninspired right now. =( Not cool.
- So... Next Step? Something Dramatic
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- d_rec_ks
- August 2nd, 23:22
depressed
Today I feel so strange. I am not sure why... Well, I think I may know. My Aunt thinks that I may be battling depression. When I first heard her theory I was pissed. Seriously? She was suggesting that I was battling depression? For the rest of the time I was at her house I would not even consider that as my probelm.... But here lately I have been doing a lot of thinking. You know, looking at the symptoms of depression and trying to figure out what the HELL is wrong with me. I can't sleep, at all. I am so irritable and am barely eating anything. All I want to do is sleep, and the other day the smallest thing had me feeling like absolute shit for some reason. So, I looked up the symptoms of depression. I HATE HATE HATE saying this because it makes me seem so "Oh, woe is me. The misunderstood teen." but I honestly think I am battling depression. For two reasons: One: The only symptom I dont have of depression is significant weight loss, but I am totally not eating like I should so that might change. And Two: For some reason I can just never let go and be completely happy-carefree. That I partially balem on my childhood, though. But seriously, we were having an AWESOME time at the lake tubing today and in the middle of everything I suddenly felt crappy. Like when you know you have something to do that you dont want to, like chores or school or something stupid, but I had absolutely nothing to do today but have fun. There really isnt a day where I am onehundred percent care-free. For some reason I find that sadder than it should be. I am only sixteen years old. For at least a little while longer I should be ALLOWED innocence and the care-free. And yet, I am a jaded cynic. There is just somethig not right about that. Yeah, it sounds so dramatic and I should be able to change the way I see things, but things have happened to me that have changed me that I CANNOT take back not matter how muc I want to. And I am not talking about just being gay.All day today I have felt like something is ending. Like there is some great thing in my life that has or is coming to a close. Like its the end of something. I would say it is like the end of a chapter, but for some reason I feel like there is no continuation. Again, dramatic. But I can't shake the feeling and its unnerving. I don't like it, but I have felt this way for liike two months now. I thought the feeling would go away when I was back home and around my friends, but it hasn't. I hate it. this feeling of a giant grey rain cloud over my head. Boo. There are days my mood fluctuates so much I feel like am PMSing or something. I cant take the shit. Like, today for instance. I would give ANYTHING to be able to undo the things that have jaded me. The drugs with my mom, the needles, her leaving, adoption, having to be the PARENT at 15. I want to trade it ALL in for a normal childhood with two married birth parent living in a suburb. I want to be the straight kid who goes to church and doesnt have to worry about the state of his eternal being. What did I do to ask for this shit? I see kids everyday with the "ideal" family. Yeah, they families arent perfect, but they are not nearly as fucked up ad mine turned out to be.
But then there are those when I wouldnt trade ANY of it. I mean, I am the only one of my friends who understand what real pain is. Why is that good? Because i have already faced the ugly part of the world. I am prepaired for what life will throw me. I get responsibily. I have not been innocent of trusting since I watched my mother be arrested and carted off to prison. When I was in the third grade. I am rought around the edges, but I am a survivor thanks to all of it. See what I mean about mood swings? I can't decide. Tomorrow I may feel fine, I don't know. I know I am NOT bipolar, though, because that is how this sounds. Its more like, I wish it were changed, but I can see HOW someone might make what happened useful. And less like mood fluctuations.... I don't know.... I am just not in a good place right now and I don't know what to do. I would say I am going to get off and go to bed, but I don't think I will sleep. Oh,well. Life goes on I guess.
- Everything Comes to an End... I Decide if its Happy or Sad
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- d_rec_ks
- July 30th, 12:02
- amused
Wow, this is my last full day in Montana. Tomorrow we have to leave here at like noon so we can be at the airport at 5 so I can board.... I am excited to be going back home. I havent seen my friends or other family for almost two months now, so being able to go back is fun.
Thinking on it, I can't decide if this summer was a waste or if it was worth it. A lot has happened, but at the same time nothing has happened. I guess physically, it was nothing. There was no memorable trip, or amazing thing we did. We did a few cool things, like getting to see the mountains. I camped out for the first time in years.... And I spent time with my family. I guess the biggest things that have happened were the things inside me growing or the the stuff that happened with my family.
From the very beginning I wanted this summer to be one of reflection. I wanted to look back on everything, gather it together, and make some kind of sense out of it... In the end all I did was more growing. I am not complaining, but I thought that I had most of myself figured out. The whole gay teenager thing, how it affected my religion, and how I thought my family would react. All things I thought I knew about. That just goes to show how little I know. I love experiences like this because when I am humbled it usually brings about thinking and learning in me. This summer did that.
Originally, I wanted alone time. What I got was my Aunt and cousins around me all the time. At the same time I became close to my Aunt than I EVER thought possible, and ended up coming out to her. Since then we have talked about my views, hers, my mother, and my family all together. I realized that I was still letting my mother affect my everyday decision. I was letting her hate get to me and erode part of who I pride myself on being. So, I cut her loose. As mean as that is, I told her that I was not in contact with her anymore. Or my sister. Also, I realized something very important. I no longer think of my step family as step, they are just family. I love Jessica and Liz with all of my heart. Jess being stepsister, and Liz being step mom. Yes, I still CALL them that because my family tree is confusing enough, but that isnt how I think about them. Oh, yeah, I also got outed by Jessica. I say it like that because that is basically how it happened. She told me that she knew I was gay. Of course she also told me that she didnt care at all and she is the only one person I call to talk about boy trouble. Love her.
So, overall? The summer has been a major maturing period for me. My relationships have grown along with my sense of self. I am me, I like what I like, enjoy what I enjoy, and will continue to be me under scrutiny. It is who I am and this time? Well, going back I will have people beside and behind me that will love me no matter what. This summer has been great.
- Cutting The Strings
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- d_rec_ks
- July 16th, 17:41
- grumpy
My mom and older sister have done all they can to make me give up hope on them. What I mean by that is the only reason I have kept in contactwith them is because there was a small part of me that hoped that maybe Chalyssa would turn back into the sister she used to be. The one that I would have gone to hell and back for. And that my mom could maybe prove that she knew how to be a mom, but that hope is gone after their latest stunt. I recently changed my FB status to something along the lines of "Somewhere between where I used to be and how far I have come the 'step' fell off and you became... family. Little Brother. Big sister. Mom." Meaning that I no longer think of my step Mom, brother, and sister as steps. They have been there for me through tears and laughs and fights and late nights. They ARE family now. Not the "steps" as I used to call them. Well, my older sister freaked out and told me that I had a mother and her name was Chaleah. So I told her that I was talking about Liz because she knows HOW to be a mom. Its not like I was going to start calling my real mom by her first name again, it just meant that I have two moms. She and my mother dont see it like that. For some reason they seem hell bent that I not call Liz my mom. I shouldnt have to chose and them saying that I do just pushed me over the edge. I blocked their phone numbers and I blocked them on facebook. You wanna know the thing that gets me? When I made that my facebook status it had nothing to do with my mother. I was thinking about a conversation Jess(older step-sister) and I had the other day. My oldest sister and mother were that farthest things from my mind. They just need to get over themselves because not everything I do or say has something to do when them. Honestly, I dont even think about them everyday. Part of me is sad that I know I let go, but most of me is saying that it is what I needed to do to move on and grow as a person. No more phone calls, emails, or visits. As far as I am concerned now, they are just familiar strangers.
Yup, but on brighter news I am headed home soon. I am leaving on the 31st to head beack to Kansas. I am taking a plane for the first time in my life! Too bad I am scared of heights. Plus I keep thinking that when I have the layover in Denver I am going to get on the wrong flight or miss mine and get stuck in Denver. I am sooo excited to be going back home to my friends and Grandma. I am especially excited to hang out with Dallas for the first time all summer. Sadly, though, I got bad news from the Doctor. See, I have eve's or ebe's or something like that palsy in my right arm. Which means that I have very limited use of the arm. Its not deformed or anything, but I can only use it from the elbo down. When I was a baby of 18 months my idiotic, and at the time high on meth, mother got in a really bad car accident. The man we hit died on impact. My mother had major head trama and was really banged up in her legs. She can still walk but was in a come forever and had a VERY slim chance of living. Me, well I had broken my neck and had major brain swelling and had to have brain surgery. Thankfully, there was no permanent mental damage. I got lucky on that one, cause the doctor says I COULD have been made mentally retarded for the rest of my life but wasnt. The big issue was my arm. One of the nerves in my neck was partially severed and I lost the use of my upper right arm. Meaning that I cant raise my right arm to waist height. As I said before, its not mangled or anything, but I pretty much lost use of it thanks to her. Well, because of my inability to use it the deltoid muscle deteriorated and is no longer there. Earlier in the summer I hurt it shovelling grain and it has dropped farther down. The Doctor told me that if I didnt get it looked at by a proffessional it would lead to problems later in life. It already causes my rib to dislocate and causes pain because it really just hangs there. Apparently the longer it does that the more the cup of the clavicle that holds the head of the humorous will flatten out, and that will cause bone chippage and arm dislocation. So, yeah, not very good news. Most likely I will end up going to the St. Louis Childrens Hospital. =( There you have it. All of my drama for the moment. Well, i forgot about my cousin who has appendicits, but I am not gonna talk about that. My 7 year old cousin is begging me to play cards with her, so I am gonna go. I love her. =P
- Wow... I need emptying.
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- d_rec_ks
- July 7th, 20:50
blank
I am lost in a fog,
the endless wondering of a soul
long lost.
The answers are out there,
just beyond reach.
These are my words,
my tools to use at will.
I am the craftsman.
Inside I am screaming,
crying. Reaching out for a hand to grab.
I never seem to find one.
How do you remove thorns not of the flesh?
Deeper than skin, carving,
cutting worse than this knife.
Crimson rivulets flow down.
A might red river.
Please, I plea
I need an out, a cure to this endless poison.
This is my mask of normalcy.
See how well I wear it?
But who is to say that I am not normal.
That I am strange?
Look at me and tell me I am not meant to love
to live for who I am.
In truth I am but a boy, a sapling,
in love with a boy.
These thorns, these cuts, this mask,
and this endless fog.
Nothing is forever, so say I.
I am the craftsman, and the cure,
the cure to this poison is here
in these words. They ARE my cure.
They empty me and let me breath.
I will not stay lost forever.
- Floating Away...What do you think?
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- d_rec_ks
- July 4th, 21:08
- calm
Just for kicks and giggles, comment. I wanna see some of your opinions on what is stated below.
There are some things out there that I find so strange. Not strange like "Oh, that is strange", but more like "Ever thought about how weird...". Like there are things you could spend your entire life thinking about, studying, all of that, and all you come up with is a deeper level to it. Almost like it can never be understood completely... There is my strange thought for the day.
So I used to have these dreams. Well they were more like nightmares in the less traditional sense. I had the nearly same dream as often as twice a week for almost a year. In the dream I was always at my house. With my Dad, SetpMom, real Mom, step sister, and little sister. My oldest sister is never in the dream at the begginning. We are all sitting eating usually, and everyone starts talking about this hookup and that one. This girlfriend, that boyfriend. But I am always quiet. I dont talk much in real life anyways, but still. Then for some reason my Mom says something and they all turn to look at me. I cant put this into words, but its suddenly like I am blue or there is something on my that lets them know I am gay. My StepMom bursts into tears. My Dad starts to scream. My little sister runs off and my step sister starts laughing. In the dream I am reduced to tears. Of course it ususally gets worse. My oldest sister bursts into the house from outside with my laptop.(?) When she opens it up all of my secrets stuff is on there for some reason. My emails. My LJ. And when the dream was really bad, all of the porn I used to keep on it. Yes, it is vulgar, but that is how it happens in the dream. Thats it. Usually I wake up after that. The dream is never exactly the same, but that is how it goes basically. A couple of times it has been so bad and seemed so real that I have woken up in tears thinking that I was outed and my parents hated me for it. Igh, it sounds dumb but for awhile it made me not want to go to sleep. Some people have nigtmares so bad they wake up screaming. Its called night terrors. I dont think that is what I have, though, because my nightmare are always emotionally scary. Not usually wake up screaming bad. One time I had a really bad dream when I was living with my Dad. I woke up crying and my step sister had to calm me down I was so shooken up. Ha. Does that mean I am going crazy?
Why did I just make a long paragraph about a stupid dream? Because I had gotten to thinking today. I have not had that dream in nearly two weeks. Ever since my step sister found out about me being gay. Thinking back I remember being so scared that I was gay. I had these ridiculous thoughts that one person was going to find out and I was going to be disowned or something. For a long time I had the stupid thought that you could SEE it on me. The unceratainty about my sexuality and the fear of the unkown. Like there was this button on my shirt that said "No one knows I am gay". How idiotic could I have been? If people would not be so taboo about things maybe young gay teens would not have to live in the kind of fear I did. And that makes it worse. It wasnt JUST me. It was every other gay/lesbian/bisexual/confused teen out there. Too much pain and hurt because of peoples ignorance. I am just hopeful for others because I thought I was alone and sick for a long time there. I am not though. Neither are they.
There it is. My rant for the night... Huh, I am not sure I have put anything new here that I havent posted before. Of course, I could be wrong.
- Shhh... Can You Hear the Quiet?
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- d_rec_ks
- July 3rd, 19:48
thoughtful
Weird. This is the first time I have heard absolute silence in nearly a month. Sure, it is quiet here when everyone is sleeping, but that is a different quiet. You can still hear breathing and the sound of people moving around. Right now... Nothing. My Aunt took everyone to the pool and I decided to stay home and finish my most recent vampire novel. It was awesome. And now? I am going to do what I do best: use my journal to make myself feel better. AKA rant. XD
So my mom has been pulling this supportive parent BS lately. I don't know why. All I know is that if it was genuine I would know it. She is putting on this act for everyone so she looks like Mom Of The Year. If she were, she would not have disappeared out of my life for 8 years and then magically showed back up. She seems to have this idea in her head that just because she gave birth to me that she KNOWS me. I barely talk to her anymore. Part of that is because everytime I have gone back to visit her and my sister she has snooped in my stuff. AHHH!!! I think I said that on here before, but I don't care. Here and there she drops hints that she knows I am gay but she wont confront me on it. It is like she thinks I am going to confide in her. Not. Gonna. Happen. She is pulling the whole "I am understanding and will accept you no matter what" and the whole "I love you no matter what, son." Thing. GAG! The worst part? She is doing it all on Facebook. If I honestly believed for one second that she wouldnt be all judgemental, I might actually confide in her, but I know her. Its all about appearence.
I said this on my last post but one thing her and my older sister seem to have in common is that they hate what they do not understand. That includes gays. My oldest sister has said as much to me. When I have talked to her about gay rights some of the things she has said have been and I quote "Fags are nasty and I think God will punish all of them." I cannot understand how one person can hate as much as she does. Its crazy.... And it knid of breaks my heart a little. One time it almost made me cry and I am NOT a crier. We used to be so close until I went thorugh my comming out proccess. I still try and be close to her, but that is hard to do when she hates what you are. Once I asked her if I came out to here what she would do. I made her think it was theoretical, and she still freaked out. Not shock freak out, that would be understandable, but she was HATEFUL. And she is good at hateful... Of course when you look like she does it probably comes natural. I am not saying this in a sick or gross way: she is a looker. And she knows it. It as made her cynical. I think it is one of the reasons she is like she is. Its sad... It makes me feel bad, but I guess there is nothing I can do. I cannot control other people. Not matter how hard I try. I think it is one of those: Suck it up, move on, moments. Boo.
- Behind My Eyes
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- d_rec_ks
- June 30th, 20:05
- good
So, i stole this idea for an entry from one Mr.ghost_town_x . He did this really cool, deep journal entry about himself. I thought it was really col and informative, so I am going to give it a try. Why? Because I think it will help me to understand MYSELF a little more, maybe.
Hmmm. Shall we start with the basics? I am Derrick S. N. C. Kendrick. Yes, I have three middle names. Funny huh? Its a mouthful for my parent when they are trying to yell at me... Kinda funny actually. I wish I could say I was a man of many skills and tastes, but that would be two lies. The first being the "I am a man" part. Im only 16, and have been that for not even three months now. I hate my age and am not so patiently waiting to be 18 so I can go to College and live my life. The second lie would be the many skills and tastes thing. Oh, there are many things that I am interested in, but very few that I have any skills in. I love music, but cant compose. I think that people that can play and compose music are some of the coolest people to be able to do that. Listening to music is about as far as my ability goes. What I REALLY love though? Reading and cooking. The reading thing developed when I started to realize I was gay and my home life was not the best. Books are my escape from reality. The really good books get me lost in them. Now, cooking. That is in a league of its own because I love a good meal, but creating one is more fun AND its something I am good at. Really good at. When I am in the kitchen I am the creator, pulling ingredients together to create something other people can enjoy that wasnt there before. It makes me feel so... At peace, almost, when I am in the kitchen. Which is my I am going to get my Bachelors Degree in the Culinary Arts from the Arts Institute in Houston, Tx.
Yup, many interest. The ones listed above arent even half of them. I forgot about WRITING, but oh well, I am moving on. Oh, if you missed it above, I am gay. Dont like it? See if I care. Its who I am and it has taken too many fights and struggles with myself to get me to where I can look in the mirror and like what I see. I have been told before that 16 year olds dont know the real world or real pain. Or any teenagers for that matter. That is the biggest lie ever. By 12 I already knew what it was like to see your mom arrested and carried off. I have been through adoption, SRS, and a rough comming out process. I know more of the REAL world than a lot of adults. Oh, yeah, I am also adopted. When I was in the third grade my mom was arrested for manufacturing and my and my three sisters at the time went to live with my younger sister birth father. We all have different Dads, the only thing is my mom never told me who MINE was. Twisted, huh? So Cris, little sisters Dad, adopts me and my older sister when we got to the fourth grade. All through grade school we dealt with SRS and only visited my mom in a controlled environmment. Until she went to prison in the sixth grade. Disappeared it seemed to me at the time. I did not see her again until my freshman year of highschool. Im not complaining because my DAD has been there for me when he didnt even have to be... Of course he was VERY fond of using his belt as punishment, but I turned out all right. Its not like it matters though because I am not even living with him anymore. I am living with his mother, my Grandma, by myself. I moved in with her after a four month stint and my moms house with my older sister. It didnt work out with good ol' mommy. Now me and my sisters barely see each other. My older sister and mom live farther away so I see her even less. Thats fine though because her and my mom hate what they dont understand, including gays. They have said as much. I dont lose sleep over not seeing them.
At the moment I am living the "only child" life with my grandparents, but I am spending the summer in Montana doing some thinking and realizing that the aunt up here is probably going to know I am gay before I graduate because I want to tell her. She wont care. Now the hard part: my comming to terms. I have been told by many Church-goers over the years that "homahsexshuls" are sinners and going to hell. I believed it whole-heartedly for a long time there. It made sense to me. So I made the choice to be saved at fourteen. Four months later I began to realize I was gay and panicked. I started getting drunk to kill it all off at only fourteen. Im talking puking pass-out drunk. The only good thing that came from it was that at 15 I could drink my Dad under the table haha. It got worse, though. I moved in with my mom at the begginning of my sophomore year. I got really heavy into drugs. Not coke or crank or anything, but I was drinking very heavily and smoking pot like poeple smoke cigarettes. I also popped a lot of pills and started secretly cutting myself. I feel like a total idiot looking back. I cant even think of why I was doing any of it, especially the cutting. Thankfully, my grandma stepped in and saved me by moving me back to here house. We had a lot of talks about gays and stuff when I could talk to her without looking suspiscous. I got an LJ and started looking into the gay community. It made me realize that I was fine. I was not sick or gross and there was nothing wrong with me. I decided that the drugs were done. So was the cutting. If I were to say I completely stopped toking up that would be a lie. GASP! I am a bad person because I smoke a little pot occasionaly. And this time I mean occasionally. I dont think its right to judge people because they smoke it. I dont use it to kill individuality anymore, actually my best friend Dallas and I smnoke it occasionally. She helped me celebrate my gayness when I came out to her.
So now? I am not sure. Things with me are constantly changing. I am comfortable now, but I am still finding myself. At sixteen, I am still young and inexperienced. But DONT tell me I dont know the real world or I dont know real pain. Any adult that says that doesnt know me. It IS a process, I realize that now. There are going to be things I am going to have to deal with and people who will hate me... But you know what? I am who I am and noone but me can make me feel bad about it.
- Unexpectectedly Outed
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- d_rec_ks
- June 24th, 8:06
embarrassed
Wow, I am not sure how I am going to manage moving away from home when I feel this homesick already... The last time I came up here was four years ago and I didnt feel nearly as homesick as I do at this very minute. For some reason I jeep thinking about spending time with Dallas.... And Kenneth. I want to be back in my bed in my room surrounded by MY things. Boo. It sounds like I am throwing a fit, and maybe I am, I dont care. This place was fun for about the first week, then all I EVER did was babysit for my aunt everyday while she went off to God knows where. *Sigh*.
Well, I am tired of complaining so its time to wright about something else. So I was looking over my journal entries and I realized all that I have begun to use my LJ for is complain. *GASP!* Me? Complain?... I guess its not so much complaining as it is venting and getting my emotions in check for myself. I really dont have too much going on in my life, its pretty mundane for the most part, so I use this as seomthing to bounce thoughts off of. My journal is less of a "Guess What I Did Today" and more of a "This is How I am Feeling" kind of journal. Good. I need an outlet.
RIIIIIGHHT! Well, yesterday with my step sister freaked me out a little bit. So, we got to texting each other because for some reason everytime she is having trouble emotionally or is sad/angry/ some other extreme emotion she calls or texts me and I guess I make her feel better. At first our conversation was about her and I was just trying to make her feel better. Eventaully she said something along the lines of "Derrick, I will love you no matter, what." Of course, me being the person I tend to be, replied with "No matter what? Well, trust me when I tel you this- that is going to be tested big time." Yeah... Looking back I should have kept my mouth shut. Stupid me. Then she was like "YES! No matter what. Now Tell me." That one kinda blew me and got the wheels in my head turning. When I asked her what she said something along the lines of "Everything. Everything you have been keeping from me. You have been hiding this from me for too long and all I want to do is help you but you keep pushing me away" Just a LITTLE dramatic, but after that text my gut dropped from under me and I nearly puked because I had this bone-deep feeling that she knew I was gay. Well, I wasnt about to come out over text message and I needed to know if I was right about thinking she knew. So I told her we were going to play the yer or no game and I had to answer truthfully. Of course the first question she asked was if i was gay. I was floored. Well, before this becomes a novel, I finally told her that yes, I was gay, and that I didnt want her to tell my parents. She lives with my Dad and Step-Mom and the little sister who already knows. I asked how she knew alreay and she told me that a couple 2 YEARS ago, she looked at my browsing history or saw me looking at gay...*Cough* porn. Two years and she never said a thing to me or my parentals. Wow. I was absolutely mortified. What an embarassing way to have her know. She said the whole "You have een there for me more times than I can count. IT is MY turn to be there for you. I love you like my real little brother" (She is in the same grade as me, she is only a few months older) But, teah. For some reason having her know is a comfort for me that it wasnt when I told my little sister. And I know that after knowing what she did and not saying a thing to anyone that she wont tell my parents.... Yup, yesterday was exciting but I am hoping today doesnt come close or I might have a heart attack. Whew, this was a long entry. I finally have like 20 minutes of privacy for the first time so I am going to take advantage of it by going for a walkt to be on my own.
- College
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- d_rec_ks
- June 20th, 19:46
Whew, so I have finally decided on what College I want to attend. I am thinking I want to go to the Arts Institute of Houston Texas. I am going to try and get my Associates Degree in the Culinary Arts. Cooking has always fascinated me. Whenever I am having issues, especially back when I was having problems comming to terms with the fact that I am gay, I always feel better when I can go into thekitchen and just create. It sounds strange, but for some reason I can feel almost completely at peace when I am in the kitchen. So I decided I want to persue a career in something I love. And if I dont want to go to the College in Houston they have like 50 some other Colleges throughout the US. Why Houston? I kept asking myself that. Originally I had my hear set on Minneapolis. Not sure why. But now I am just wanting to go to a big city. Even though I am not the only gay person out there it still feels that way a lot sometimes. I am so sick of feeling alone. I am not even sure Houston HAS a very big Gay Community, but the chances are okay because of its size. Recently have just kind of sfelt in a slump because I have no friends who... Well, understand me I guess. They can honestly try, but seriously they cant know what I have dealt with. So, yeah. Not feeling too well. Anyone know that "I want to belong to some kind of group" feeling? I am gettin tath a lot for some reason. BLAH! My Aunt just walked in. I had better get off here before she comes in here and reads what I have written. What I wouldnt give right now for like an hour of PRIVACY! =(
- Montana
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- d_rec_ks
- June 16th, 14:33
- content
I am so beat. I have been here for three days and I already have ridden like 15 miles on a bike. Wow. I havent even BEEN on a bike in like tow years. Oh well, its good exercize(sp?) I suppose... This place is magnificent. I saw a mountain the other day that reminded me of one of the scenes in the sound of music.=D It all just makes me want to write and sing and just be expressive. If you have ever been to a place that keeps taking your breath away every time you see it because it is so beautiful, then you will know what I mean. Words can barely describe this place. And I am loving my family. My little cousins are the best. They are the cutest little girls I have ever seen. Keiron, my twelve year odl cousin is pretty cool too. I am not used to being around smaller children, but these kids make me want to adopt or something. HA! Adoption. I like the idea but my family would flip if a gay couple adopted. Oh, well. Soeaking of gay, I think the gay in me is becoming more apparent. Im still not effiminate or swishy, but I wont stand for people using the word fag anymore. And i shop. How cliche? But its true. I like shopping for clothes and such. Its fun for me. Ah, right now things are just good for me. I have no issues or worries. I miss my friends some. But not too much at the moment. This is gonna be ahort post cause I cant be on here long. I have a baby to watch so I am going to have to cut this one short. I will make a longer post later.
- Leaving
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- d_rec_ks
- June 13th, 21:06
- drained
This is going to sound strange, but I really think it is possible for a guy to PMS. I am just not feeling the best right now. We leave in the morning for Montana at eight. An early morning. Don't get me wrong, I am excited to go... Kind of... Maybe... I don't know. I guess I have thought about it, but it hasnt sunk in yet that I am leaving. This whole week has left me exhausted both emotionally and physically. We had a wedding we had to go to today. I had to usher in it. Nobody was in a good mood for a wedding day. All of the people we impatient and snappy. And I didnt like it very well. I am a pretty laid back person and I do good under stress. The only thing that can get to me for some weird reason is when people arent in a good mood. It makes me feel... Irritated. It was a wedding, they shouldnt have been pissy. Plus, they saw it fit to treat me and talk to me like I was one of the little kids. NOT COOL. Have enough respect for me to treat me with respect. Im not a little kid.... Back to the point. I feel... Breakable. Like the smallest thing will set me to tears for some reason, and I don't like it. I think it is because I dont want to leave my friends for two months. Its like I can feel where they wont be. I dont want to go two months without seeing Dallas. I may just go crazy. See? And on top of that I am STILL excited to be going... So I don't know. Everything inside me feels fragile... And this WHOLE thing just seems dumb to me, ya know? UGH!!! I am just not sure about anything. ); I think I am just going to try and find something to read...
- Dallas
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- d_rec_ks
- June 9th, 11:52
- content
Wow, this summer just seems to be moving right along. We leave for Montana in a little more than a week. Then I am gone all summer. Now I am just trying to hang out with my close friends as much as possible. Ha! Speaking of close friends, the other night Dallas and I went out to Hutchinson to hang out.(Dallas is a girl, but she is my BEST friend) Well, my family being the way they are and my Aunt especially, thinks that her and I are deeply in loved and blah blah blah, GAG! I DO love Dallas, but im not IN love with her kind of thing. Our relationship has managed to turn into this really deep and close friendship and she knows it. She was talking the other day and said something along the lines of "Derrick, I am so glad we can be friends like this. You are my best friend and I wouldnt change it for anything. We have the perfect thing goiong on here: we can hang out like this and there is nothing sexual. It makes being around each other the easiest thing in the world." I just smiled. It made me feel good because its true. She IS the easiest person for me to be around, and I tell her EVERYTHING. Well... almost. But I am going to talk to her before I leave and tell her whats up. I am not even nervous because I know that beyond a shadow of a doubt she wont even blink at the news. She is the coolest person ever haha.
I am so exhasted from rnning aronf yesterday. I was all over town and walked a total of probably 8 miles total. Plus I swam. I am feeling pretty good, but a little sore. Oh, well. It was worth all the fun yesterday. MAN! Our house is freezing. I think I am going to go take a hot shower... Ahh.
- Drowning
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- d_rec_ks
- June 6th, 2:05
drunk
I HATE that drowning feeling. Not the literal feeling of "Hey! I am drowning." Its more like I wish I could turn my brain off sometimes. I find myself constantly looking at things different. People, nature, myself. Its like I cant take anything at face value so I look deeper and I am tired of it. I am tired of thinking and trying to figure things out. All of my other friends tend to have fairly shallow thoughts. I am not being mean, its the truth. Most of my friends are 15 or 16 like me, but all they think about is sex or school or parties. I have two other friends who I can set down with and have an intellectual conversation with, thats it. I get tired of searching for I don't know what and trying to figure out why I am the way I am. Kinda makes me want to scream.
